Narcissists Manipulate - and No One Sees It - Why?

Leadership Insight: When Narcissists Manipulate the Room - and No One Sees It

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how blind we can be to the reality right in front of us.

You’ve probably seen those psychology experiments:

• The one where someone swaps places with another person during a brief interruption - and most people don’t notice.

• Or the gorilla basketball experiment, where you're asked to count passes and completely miss a person in a gorilla suit walking across the scene.

• Or how stress can cause focus blindness, where you zero in on a single detail and miss the bigger picture altogether.

These are real phenomena - change blindness, inattentional blindness, tunnel vision - and they don’t just happen in psychology labs. They happen in boardrooms, breakrooms, and leadership teams every day.

Add to that our biases (confirmation, assumption, expectation, and paradigm), our emotional filters (like motivated reasoning or identity protection), and our social blind spots (like groupthink or the tendency to overlook relational power dynamics), and you start to realize something sobering:

We are all more misdirectable than we’d like to admit.

And that’s exactly why this next question matters so much:

Ever wonder how a narcissist can lead a team, a department, or even a whole organization for years without being called out?

It’s not that the people around them are unintelligent or weak.
It’s that the narcissist understands how attention works.
And they know how to direct it.

They don’t lead with transparency - they lead with illusion. Like a magician who uses misdirection to distract the audience from what’s really happening, a narcissist builds a false front: charisma, results, vision, and passion. All while masking control, manipulation, and self-interest behind the curtain.

Here’s how they do it - and how you can lead in a way that makes the narcissistic playbook ineffective.

How Narcissists Mislead Teams

1. They Exploit Assumption Bias

“They’re confident and visionary - they must be a great leader.”

We assume people with confidence and strong opinions are trustworthy. We fill in the gaps with our own expectations - and narcissists know this. They play the part of the high-capacity, high-charisma leader. But it’s just that: a part.

2. They Hijack Reality Construction

“They said they care. They quoted the mission. They shared a touching story.”

Narcissistic leaders are skilled at crafting a compelling narrative. They position themselves as the misunderstood hero, the only one who really "gets it." Any pushback is framed as betrayal. Over time, the team starts repeating their language and defending their version of reality - often without realizing it.

3. They Use Focus Blindness

“Look at the growth, the outcomes, the metrics!”

By keeping everyone's attention on performance or productivity, they distract from the emotional damage and relational dysfunction happening behind the scenes. The numbers may look great - while trust, collaboration, and psychological safety are quietly bleeding out.

4. They Leverage Groupthink and Fear

“Nobody else is saying anything, so maybe I’m wrong.”

Narcissists reward loyalty and punish dissent. Over time, team members stop speaking up - not because they agree, but because they don’t want to be next. Silence becomes mistaken for alignment.

5. They Weaponize Gaslighting

“You’re too sensitive.” “That’s not what I said.” “You're reading into it.”

Gaslighting makes people question their memory, instincts, and even sanity. It creates confusion and dependency - until team members feel they can’t trust themselves unless the leader validates them.

So How Do You Lead Differently?

Narcissistic leadership thrives in confusion, isolation, and image control.
Healthy leadership thrives in clarity, curiosity, and shared ownership.

If you want to lead in a way that builds resilience instead of resentment, here’s what to practice:

1. Separate Charisma from Character

It’s tempting to promote the most articulate, dynamic person. But charisma without integrity is a liability.

Instead: Ask: How do they handle disappointment? Criticism? Do they listen as well as they speak? Are they the same person behind closed doors?

2. Invite Dissent - And Protect It

If no one ever disagrees with you, it’s not a sign of unity - it might be a sign of fear.

Instead: Make dissent a norm. Ask for honest feedback, especially from people with less power. And when someone pushes back respectfully, reward it, don’t punish it.

3. Watch the Power Dynamic

True leadership is consistent, up and down the org chart. Narcissists lead up well and manage down poorly.

Instead: Observe how someone treats the intern, the receptionist, the server at lunch. That’s the real leadership test.

4. Build Shared Narratives

Narcissists dominate the story. Healthy leaders open it up.

Instead: Let team members help define success. Use “we” more than “I.” Make space for multiple perspectives, especially when reflecting on wins and losses.

5. Measure Invisible Costs

A healthy team isn’t just efficient - it’s emotionally sustainable.

Instead: Go beyond metrics. Ask: Are people free to fail? Is psychological safety high? Are quiet voices being heard? Are talented people staying or quietly slipping away?

6. Teach People to See

If people don’t know what toxic leadership looks like, they’ll accept it as normal.

Instead: Normalize conversations about power, safety, and emotional manipulation. Make awareness part of leadership development - not just skills and strategy.

Because once people see, they can’t unsee.

Final Thought:

Narcissists don’t lead for the good of the team. They lead for the benefit of themselves - while convincing everyone it’s the other way around.

But they only succeed when no one’s paying attention to the right things. So lead differently.

Be the kind of leader who builds clarity, not confusion. Who rewards honesty, not performance. Who listens for quiet signals, not just loud applause.

Because in a world full of sleight-of-hand leadership, you must learn to see the unseen.