What Makes a Great Listener

What Makes a Great Listener Great?

Many people assume that being a good listener means sitting quietly for long periods, waiting for an opportunity to interject with their own advice. Unfortunately, this approach achieves little. A great listener actively participates in the conversation while contributing less than twenty percent of the words. Here’s how you can become a great listener in eight steps:

1. Remove Distractions and Focus

While speaking naturally focuses the speaker, you, as the listener, should also focus by:

• Turning off your cell phone.

• Finding a comfortable place, sitting upright, breathing deeply, stretching as needed but avoiding fidgeting.

• Writing down anything you need to think about later and setting it aside.

• Noting non-verbal cues such as facial expressions, gestures, tone, speed, eye contact, and limb positioning.

When you eliminate distractions, you demonstrate that you value the speaker's time and words. This sets the stage for a meaningful conversation.

2. Communicate Intent to Listen

Set expectations by stating, "I am here just to listen for now. If you want opinions, advice, comfort, or any other feedback after you are done, we can schedule a separate time for that. Hopefully, just talking through this will help."

This commits you to talk less and listen more, empowering others to solve problems independently. Teach them to fish, and feed them for life. This approach fosters self-reliance and confidence in problem-solving.

3. Ask Open-Ended Questions

Remember, you are committed to listening, not conducting a survey. Avoid yes/no questions and instead ask:

• "How did you feel when that happened?"

• "Do you feel that way often?"

• "What feelings are you experiencing now?"

• "It sounds like that made you feel ___?"

• "It sounds like it might be something difficult to talk about?"

• "What have you already tried or considered?"

• "Have you ever solved a similar problem?"

• "What do you want to feel/accomplish/have happen?"

• "What options are available right now?"

Open-ended questions invite the speaker to explore their thoughts and feelings more deeply, often leading to valuable insights and solutions.

4. Listen for Feelings

People may avoid talking about their feelings but still use emotionally charged words. Draw out feelings to help the speaker recognize and deal with them. Sometimes what is not said reveals important issues. Leading into difficult topics can make everything else easier to address.

Recognizing and addressing emotions can unlock deeper understanding and progress. Pay attention to words that carry emotional weight and probe gently to uncover underlying feelings.

5. Respect Feelings and Beliefs

Respecting another's beliefs doesn't mean agreeing with them. Acknowledge that these beliefs impact behavior. Trying to ignore or change them can create separation. Give people time to talk through their beliefs and the emotions behind them. Realizing that you care and they can feel good about themselves after adopting your view may change their opinion.

Respect creates a safe space for honest dialogue. When people feel heard and understood, they are more likely to consider new perspectives.

6. Paraphrase and Seek Clarification

Paraphrasing shows you are paying attention and helps the speaker check if they are communicating effectively. Use clarifying questions to improve your understanding and identify feelings accurately. Ask questions like:

• "Could you provide an example to help me understand?"

• "Can you say more about how you feel about that?"

• "Are you saying...?"

• "What does that mean to you?"

• "There seems to be something missing."

• "Can you expand on that?"

• "Does that bother you?"

• "Would it be accurate to say...?"

• "Could you describe that in more detail?"

• "I’m not clear on what you mean by...?"

Paraphrasing and clarifying demonstrate your engagement and ensure that you accurately understand the speaker’s message.

7. Encourage Self-Resolution

Give advice, evaluation, referrals, and even encouragement sparingly. Avoid creating intellectual or emotional dependency. Empower speakers to solve their problems on their own. They might prefer using a "sounding board" but should recognize the solution came from them. Encourage them without taking responsibility for the problem.

Fostering self-reliance and confidence is crucial. When individuals realize they can find solutions themselves, they gain confidence in their abilities.

8. Stay for the Resolution

Allow the speaker to do most of the talking. Use simple acknowledgments like "mmhm" or "yup," or phrases like "I'm with you" or "I'm still listening." Allow long pauses for thought collection and solution realization. After about a minute, gently mention, "I'm still here to listen if there is more." If they seem unsure what to say next, restart the conversation with an open-ended question, a paraphrase, or a request for clarification.

Being present until the resolution shows your commitment and support, creating an environment where the speaker feels safe to explore their thoughts fully.

Putting It All Together

Becoming a great listener is about more than just hearing words; it’s about engaging with the speaker on a deeper level. By removing distractions, communicating your intent, asking open-ended questions, listening for feelings, respecting beliefs, paraphrasing, encouraging self-resolution, and staying for the resolution, you can transform your listening skills and make a significant impact on those you interact with.

These eight steps will put you well on the road to becoming a great listener. Contact BizCoachTN to set up practice sessions and get hands-on training for you and your employees today!

Great listening skills can transform your personal and professional relationships, leading to more effective communication, stronger connections, and better outcomes. Start your journey to becoming a great listener now and see the positive changes unfold.